Wells Fargo very happy with all well-wishes

Customers send flowers and baskets to sick bank
October 14, 2016 by George Greenspan

Wells Fargo CEO Timothy Sloan feels support from all the heartwarming cards, fruit baskets, teddy-bears and drawings he has received.

“Thank you so much, dear ‘people’,” he lets us know with a large Minions balloon in hand.

Wells Fargo had not been feeling well for a long time already. “We still sometimes feel an ache from all the junk mortgages we doled out, and the billion-dollar fines didn’t help much, either,” says Sloan while showing a huge card on which a taxpayer wrote “Get Wells Soon” in giant letters. “But hopefully, we’ll soon have recovered soon enough to fetch me some ridiculous bonuses again.”

Many of the 8 million private customers have sent fruit baskets to their bank. Among them, Hank Dinger from Farmburg. He lost his job in the previous economic crisis and only now, years later, gets sporadic invitations for job interviews again. “But do take care of yourselves, will you?”, the sender card says, on which a pencil drawn tangerine gives a thumbs-up.

Biting an apple, CEO Sloan recognises that Wells Fargo had not been feeling too well already for a longer time in its capital position. “Due to the stock market slump we were more prone to be infected by sick speculators and hedge funds and all sorts of other external factors but us,” he explains. “From now on, we’ll pursue a more healthy strategy; promise!”

According to financial doctors, the bank is in worse health than Sloan would want to admit: “Chances are that Well Fargo will not have much time and the problems may spread to the North-Western economy. The only true remedy at this stage, is a double dose of lay-offs, and a financial injection by the government.”

FED Chair Janet Yellen does not want to give that injection just yet. She has scolded management because it had neglected its health, but also showed tender concern and care by providing a pan of home-made chicken soup. She gave Timothy a kiss on the forehead. “Better!”

[Original, in Dutch, on the Speld; translated with permission]

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